It is amazing how light and free I feel now, finally free of the burden of guilt over past mistakes... Makes me feel almost giddy. The past couple of turns have finally allowed me to completely forgive myself a great many past mistakes. I am still scared what I may find in this new beginning I've awoken to. But, at least I am now ready to try.

Was asked by friends who have returned to Valorn what they had missed, so starting at what they remembered I went through and told, what I knew, everything even my own sorry role in some of it... the good, and the bad. They looked at me like... I was this amazing person... gods if I only felt that way. Instead I feel so insignificant, so.. small. I've been through a lot... I know. And I guess some could have only made it though HALF... if they were lucky.. of what life has dealt me. I should feel strong and confident, yet I feel frail and weak. Rarely do people see beyond the confidence I portray to the world, to ashamed of my own weakness to let it be seen. For now I rest often. Always watching the world around me.

In the absence of all the Fall Festivities fun, my life once again turns quiet, and lonely. Sometimes I wonder... should I have take Jobe up on his offer so long ago.. Or should I just pretend to be happy with one of the gentlemen that try so hard to get close to me..knowing it would not be fair to either of us.. just to end this agonizing loneliness and hole in my life? No... my pride and my heart demands more... for them and for myself, so I sit and look to the horizon, to ashamed of my past now to go hunt.. even the thought of hunting to plat farm makes me physically ill. I go to the inn occasionally and sit there.. or I go to one of my favorite spots in Caernivale and sit and watch the oceans ebb and flow. SOME times it's sound soothes my spirit. But most the time I find myself swinging away the marcs.. and dreaming of a life I fear I will never have.

I got to keep that black orchid. What a lovely thing it is too but, I think my favorite thing of this Fall Festival was that I got to help in one of the games! Raffe created the idea of a portal game, where three were cast and the caster ran through one at random, then everyone had to follow. IF they chose the right portal they would find the enchanter on the other side... if not they had to make their way back to Dundee and wait for the next game. Slowly I lost people in my portals but eventually came down to one person at the end. Out of three rounds the chasers had two winners, and I had lost EVERYONE on the last round!! Casting so many portals in such a short period of time was completely draining, took nearly the entire next turn to regain my strength, but it was SO worth it! I would so play again!